Crossing the Great Divide

Posted January 1, 2013

Filed under Compassion, Self-compassion, Videos

I made this video a few weeks ago but have been waiting for the perfect time to share it. Well, there really is no perfect time, but the start of a New Year comes pretty close.

My inspiration comes from two sources.

One is this quote:

“Religion is like a multi-colored lantern. Each of us looks through a different piece of glass, but the light is always there.” –Mohammed Naquib, a 20th-century Egyptian politician and author.

The other is a line I heard while listening to a podcast. Jean Houston talked about “crossing the great divide of otherness.” These two quotes intermingled in my mind and this is what emerged.

We let so much divide us.

Who we love.

What we believe.

Where we came from.

We put things into categories:

Good and Bad

Right and Wrong

Black and White

Categorizing is part of what makes us human. It means we can think.

But sometimes this kind of thinking can get us into trouble.

People don’t fit into neat and tidy categories.

Human beings defy categories because we are:

Complex

Textured

Messy

Broken

Whole

We need to drop the categories, that make us feel so adrift and alone.

Let’s cross the great divide of otherness,

and realize that we are more alike than different.

All we need to do is look up

to see that we’re all connected.

No matter what part of the glass you look through,

The light is always there.

May the light sustain you,

guide you,

and give you courage.

Share the warmth.

Some Favorite Blog Pictures from 2012

Posted December 30, 2012

Filed under Photography, Uncategorized

A big part of the fun of this blog has been working with Greg on the images. He’s such a great photographer. I keep thinking I’ll learn to take my own pictures, but then I wonder why? I can be the director and tell him what I want and voila, I get it! So here are some of my favorite photos he’s taken for my blog this year.

noname-5 noname-7

Word of the Year

Posted December 16, 2012

Filed under Word of the Year

“Light”
photo by Greg Markway

Did you know there is actually a word of the year? According to Dictionary.com, the word for 2012 is bluster. This is how they define bluster:

1.
to roar and be tumultuous, as wind.
2.
to be loud, noisy, or swaggering; utter loud, empty menaces or protests: He blusters about revenge but does nothing.

They cited the election and the weather as being the two big stories of 2012, and aptly noted that there was a lot of bluster involved in both.

There is also another Word of the Year project that takes place. I first heard about it from reading Brene´ Brown’s blog, Ordinary Courage. She selected a single word that she used as a touch point to guide her through the year. Her word was “light.” Brene´ got the idea from Ali Edwards, who runs an entire e-course on using a word of the year for self-growth. Ali writes:

A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything. It can be sharp and biting or rich and soft and slow. From my own personal experience, it can be a catalyst for enriching your life.

As 2013 approaches, I started to think, “Maybe I need a word for the year.” I tried talking with Greg about it. After explaining the concept to him, our conversation went something like this:

Barb: I wonder what my word of the year could be? (not getting much of a response, so I prod him.)

Greg: I don’t know. Maybe your word should be “word.”

Barb: What? Why would my word be “word”? That makes no sense. You’re not taking this seriously.

After bantering back and forth a bit (good-naturedly, off course) , I decided there is a gender difference in what gets written and read on the internet. It’s not that he’s not taking it seriously, he just doesn’t relate. He’s the most caring and sensitive man I know, but he doesn’t read the same kind of blogs I read. Selecting a word for the year simply isn’t something he’d ever think about doing.

I’m going to pick a word for the year. I’m not yet sure what it will be, and I wonder how I’ll ever keep it to a single word.

Brene´ said she didn’t want the word “light” to be her word (I’m not sure why; it’s a good word). She said that the word picked her. It kept popping up in her mind.

Ali says the word can be practical or fanciful. It can be a feeling word or an action word. It can be a word that represents what you want more of–or less of–in your life.

Later in the day, we were shooting some footage for a new video I’m working on. I was throwing colored tissue paper scraps into the air when Greg exclaimed, “Your word should be color!” At least he was trying.

“Color”
photo by Greg

3 Things I Know about Self-Compassion

Posted November 21, 2012

Filed under Compassion, Self-Acceptance, Self-compassion

Self-Compassion Changes Nothing. It’s taken me nearly 12 months to discover something. I was trying to trick myself with this self-compassion project. Yeah, I said I wanted to be nicer to myself, but what I really meant was, “I want to change myself.” Whew. What a revelation. I thought learning to be self-compassionate was going to change my personality. Somehow I’d magically become easy-going, a non-worrier, and more interesting (I have this notion that I am boring). I also hoped that life would be easier, I wouldn’t feel things as deeply (sometimes I’m so raw), and I wouldn’t cry as much. DIDN’T HAPPEN.

Self-Compassion Changes Everything. I so hope you didn’t quit reading. I know the previous paragraph might have sounded depressing, but it’s actually not. Even though my personality didn’t change and life still isn’t easy, I do notice something that I think might be huge. This is it: I sense more space between events and my reactions. In that gift of space, I have found tenderness. And in that tenderness, I can say to myself, “This is a moment of suffering; suffering is a part of life; may I remember that I’m not alone; may I remember to give myself what I need.” Again, it’s not a trick to bypass the pain. It doesn’t work that way, although I’ve tried. In meditation practice, Sharon Salzberg calls it, “The Magic Moment.” It’s that period of time when you have a choice to do things differently. Do you beat yourself up for your short-comings, or do you give yourself a break? I can tell you that now, more often than not, I’m giving myself a break.

Self-Compassion Isn’t a Project. I’m drawn to projects. I’m good at projects. I’m organized, dedicated, persistent and will do whatever it takes to get things done. I love that sense of completion. And I love the name of this blog, The Self-Compassion Project! But I’ve found that learning self-compassion isn’t something I can neatly do in a year and check it off my to-do list. As much as I want it to be a project, it’s much more like a process. Now I’m not saying that self-compassion can’t be learned; I think it can be. But it definitely feels more like learning how to work with clay in a pottery class, than learning to solve an algebra problem in a math class.

When I started writing this, I envisioned I’d have a list of seven things I’ve learned. But it turned out to be only three. I shouldn’t say only, though, because these are a solid three. Bottom line, you’ll be hearing a lot more from me.

If you liked this post, I’d love it if you joined me on Facebook!

Photo credit: George Hodan, public domain pictures

Montage Magic

Posted November 17, 2012

Filed under Videos

One really cool thing I’ve discovered this year is that you can take an e-course on about any subject you can imagine, and most of them are priced very affordably. I am two weeks into a 3-week video making class called Montage. The class teaches you the technical aspect of using iMovie on a Mac, but it also has a fun, creative side in which you learn to put your heart and soul into the movie and tell a story. I’ve made two videos so far.

Here’s the first one. All of the footage was taken at my brother and sister in law’s home in Gerald, Missouri. It’s just under two minutes. Short and sweet.

Leaving Worry Behind

This is the second one, also about two minutes. The footage was taken in my backyard. I feel more self-conscious in this one because I do some speaking. I don’t know, does anyone like hearing their own voice? Well, hope you like it.

Busy Be Gone

The class has been great and well worth the money. I think I’m really going to like having a new creative outlet.

To be notified of new posts, head on over to my Self-Compassion Project Facebook page and click “Like”. (It’s also on the sidebar, but no one ever sees it there.)

Leaving Judgment Behind

Posted October 28, 2012

Filed under Compassion

Photo by macinate via Flickr Creative Commons

Sometimes I think I need to change this to a blog about coping with chronic pain. I’m on to a new doctor and another round of physical therapy. I’m frustrated that I haven’t been able to write more and keep up with my blogs. On a positive note, though, I have been watching a great video series called, The Compassionate Brain. The last “episode” featured Tara Brach, a leading teacher of mindfulness and author of Radical Acceptance and her forthcoming book, True Refuge. She told a story that I really liked. Sometimes I have trouble remembering something long enough to retell it, but I really wanted to share it with Greg, so I tried extra hard to concentrate.

Here’s the story:

Imagine you are walking through the woods and you see a small dog. You approach the dog and move to pet the dog. It suddenly snarls and tries to bite you. The dog no longer seems cute and you may feel some fear and anger. As the wind blows, the leaves on the ground are carried away and you see the dog has one of its legs caught in a trap. Now, you feel compassion for the dog. You know it became aggressive because it is in pain and suffering.

I told the story to Greg when he got home, and he really like it, too. The very next evening, he told me about a conversation he had with a colleague at work. She was struggling with another person in the agency. This other person came across as very negative and rigid and they were butting heads over some issue. Greg told her the story of the dog in the trap. She later thanked him because this helped her view the “difficult” co-worker in a different light.

I like this story on so many levels. It helps “depersonalize” conflict. When someone disagrees with us or somehow makes our life difficult, it is not really about us—it may be about their pain. Rather than assigning negative motives to those who challenge us, why don’t we give them the benefit of the doubt?

And, if we can give others the benefit of the doubt, why can’t we do the same for ourselves?

Sometimes I feel that I’m not really doing enough with my life. My chronic pain has led me to work fewer hours at my job. And when I’m at home, I need more time to rest—meaning I am less productive there as well.

At other times, though, I see that I make a difference. I think it’s pretty cool that I heard a story while listening to the warm and wise Tara Brach, and then told my husband, who told a colleague…and that this story helped someone think more compassionately about a seemingly difficult co-worker. This is storytelling at its best.

My influence may be less direct, but no less meaningful. And maybe it’s not about producing a quantity of work…maybe its about being as compassionate as I can be, to myself and others, and seeing where that leads me.

To be notified of new posts, head on over to my Self-Compassion Project Facebook page and click “Like”. (It’s also on the sidebar, but no one ever sees it there.)

Life in a Box

Posted October 8, 2012

Filed under Health, Productivity

Photo by robhowells87 via flickr cc

No, I’m not a homeless person, but I have lived much of my life in a box. Not a cardboard box, but an imaginary box surrounding my body and restricting my every move.

I spent nearly 20 years in school, sitting at a desk.

I wrote a Master’s thesis, a disseration, and four books, typing and sitting at a desk.

I spent another 20 years counseling others, while sitting.

Now I work as a medical consultant, reviewing medical records, typing, all the while sitting at a desk.

My favorite hobby has been scrapbooking, mostly done at a table or a desk.

When I stop and think about it, it’s no surprise that I have pain from my shoulders, down through my arms, and all the way to my fingertips.

But there’s more. And this part is harder to share. Not only have my physical movements been restricted, but my emotional repertoire has been limited as well. I’ve lived most of my life as a people-pleasing good girl. In other words, I don’t do anger well. I don’t want to make others mad, and I definitely don’t want others mad at me. (At least 20 minutes have gone by with me staring blankly at the screen.) I’m drawing a blank at knowing what else to write; that’s how out of touch I am with anger. If you asked me, “What makes me angry?” I would be hard-pressed to come up with an answer. I’m not sure I even know what it feels like. I recently read that anxiety is a reaction to repressed anger. It’s a bit too Freudian-sounding to me, but what if there’s even a grain of truth to it? I may not do anger, but I certainly excel in anxiety.

I’m not sure where this all is going, and it’s disconcerting.

My challenge is not the typical “think outside the box.” No, I have to figure out a way to live outside the box. Even if that means getting off my butt and kicking some ass. (Oh my, that last sentence is so not me.)

Love and Baseball

Posted September 21, 2012

Filed under Health, Taking Risks, Uncategorized

Photo by Mike Tigas via Flickr CC

(This is a guest post by Greg, my baseball-loving and very sweet husband.)

***

I have always been a baseball fan, and I grew up wanting to play for the St. Louis Cardinals. I remember pitcher Bob Gibson who was such an intense competitor that he continued pitching after suffering a broken leg. I never made it to the major leagues, but I did pitch in college.

When Barb and I were dating about 25 years ago, we went to a Cardinals game together. It was miserably hot as it often is in St. Louis, and I was very focused on the game. She said I ignored her and she swore afterward that she would never go to another game (one of our first fights). Over the years, she grew to tolerate baseball and even have some fleeting interest.

Of course, her interest was most intense when our son was playing little league and I was coaching. She loved the games and wanted to document every moment. Once she was taking pictures of our son warming up to pitch when one of his throws got away. The ball hit Barb squarely in the shin. Over the next few days, we watched as her leg took on a variety of technicolor hues. Barb may be very gentle, but she is also very tough.

This brings me to today.

Chris Carpenter is pitching for the Cardinals. Carpenter has been the ace pitcher for the Cardinals for several years, and he was a key to their championship in 2011. Carpenter has been out all season due to chronic pain, numbness, and weakness as a result of thoracic outlet syndrome. Just two months ago, he had a rib and part of his scalene muscle surgically removed. His return today is a testament to his determination. In baseball parlance, he is a gamer.

So, why am I writing about a baseball player on a self-compassion blog?

Those of you who follow this blog regularly know that Barb has been struggling with chronic pain. Like Chris Carpenter, she has thoracic outlet syndrome. She was diagnosed by the same doctor that first identified Carpenter’s condition. Barb and I feel a kinship with this major league pitcher that we’ve never met.

Barb works at a job that requires a tremendous amount of typing. Typing (or any repetitive motion, such as pitching) exacerbates the pain of thoracic outlet syndrome. But, just like Bob Gibson pitching with a broken leg, Barb continues on with pain. She doesn’t like to complain–she just wants to do her job.

Today, though, Barb went against her basic nature. With my encouragement, she talked to her boss and explained her condition. Barb had been dreading this because she does not like to call attention to herself, but I thought she should let her supervisor know in case she needed anything down the line. Perhaps in an effort to channel Chris Carpenter’s determined spirit, she wore a Cardinals shirt to work (it was a “dress-down Friday). Her boss responded very reassuringly, telling her that she is one of the agency’s “rock stars,” and that they would do anything possible to support her.

Cardinals fans revere Chris Carpenter. He competes intensely, and by his example, he brings out the best in his teammates. His efforts are seen on televisions across the country.

I love the lessons and mythology that come from sports. But, as I talk with Barb tonight, I realize not all warriors wear uniforms. Not all heroes are famous. Let’s acknowledge all those who struggle with dignity, and let’s love and support them.

Subtle Shifts

Posted September 15, 2012

Filed under Change, Self-Acceptance

Sometimes I wonder if I’m making any progress with this self-compassion project. This morning, though, I got confirmation from a tiny exchange with my husband that, YES, shifts are happening!

We were looking for something and I was getting frustrated with the piles of paper all over our house. I said to him, “my goal for this weekend is to get us semi-organized.” He ran over and hugged me. I thought to myself, “what is this about?” He said, almost ecstatically, “I’m so proud of you! You didn’t say the goal was to get totally organized.” I laughed and smiled. It’s true. I do tend to use the word “totally” too much. I want to get things done, and done perfectly. I don’t want any of this mess that seems to surround us. But getting totally organized hadn’t even crossed my mind. Semi-organized would be just fine.

In today’s culture where everything is “super-sized” or “epic”, it’s easy to miss the little things. But I’m realizing the little things matter–a lot. This weekend I’m going to look closer, and see if there are some other changes in myself I haven’t yet noticed.

What about you? Have you made any tiny changes that made a difference in your life?

Long Days, Short Summer

Posted September 4, 2012

Filed under Health, Meditation/Mindfulness, Parenting, Productivity, Self-Acceptance

Gretchen Rubin said, “The days are long but the years are short.” That’s how I feel about this summer. Some of the days dragged for me, especially dealing with more pain than usual (see my post Tiny Dreams). But now I don’t know where the time went. Everyone is back in school and fall is near.

Despite the pain, there are definitely fun times I will remember about this summer. I feel a little silly sharing them–they’re not exciting things like going on vacation or anything like that. But they mean something to me.

* Watching the HBO series, Flight of the Concords, as a family for the third time. It’s hard to describe the show’s appeal; you’d probably either love it or hate it. The series revolves around a pair of folk singers from New Zealand as they try to achieve success as a band in New York City. It’s off-beat and quirky. I love it that we all three laugh out loud through every episode. (Well, I’ll be honest. Greg did fall asleep once.)

* Turning a large walk-in closet in the basement into a makeshift recording studio for our son. We pinned old comforters all over the walls and had blankets lining the ceiling. A folding chair and old table for his laptop, plus his guitars, mandolin, banjo, harmonica, ukulele and some other new instruments ordered off the Internet (a melodica?) made for a cozy space. It was pretty insulated, but occasionally I’d hear some random clapping wafting through the vents. I’m so happy our home could be a place where he could create his own wonderful (also off-beat, quirky, and make-you-smile) kind of music.

*Spending lots of time sitting on the covered patio just watching the birds and hearing the neighborhood kids playing. I really embraced just being, and didn’t worry that I didn’t “accomplish” much of anything this summer (see my post Busy Be Gone).

I’d be tickled pink if you’d like my self-compassion Facebook page–you can click here. You can also follow me on Twitter by clicking here. I’m turning into a social media junkie 🙂

Here is Gretchen Rubin’s heart-warming one-minute video, The Years are Short.