Category Archives: Self-Acceptance

Hearts Set Free

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The Self-Compassion Bill of Rights

Today, this fourth day of July, year two thousand and twelve, I, Barbara Ellen Gerth Markway, do solemnly declare these inalienable truths and freedoms for myself, and for my Self-Compassion Project friends.

We shall be:

Free to try new things without fear of failing (and if a little fear creeps in, we do it anyway).

Free to not judge ourselves harshly when we become frightened, avoid, and hide under the covers for awhile.

Free to love others with hearts wide open, even when it hurts like crazy.

Free to close down for a little while, heal, and then love all over again.

Free to carve out our own unique niche in the world, and gently quiet the voice that says we never quite fit in.

Free to experience and celebrate our bodies as wonderfully complex, mysterious, sometimes painful, sometimes pleasurable, always beautiful, and usually faithful in getting us where we need to go and doing what we need to do.

Free to honor all our thoughts and feelings as valid, and free to explore when they are useful or not useful, helpful or not helpful.

Free to non-judgmentally reflect on the past, envision the future, always as a way to inform and live in the present.

Free to tell our stories, not tell our stories, change our stories, maybe even surprise ourselves with a new story…or just drop the story and breathe.

And perhaps most liberating of all, the freedom to begin again.

Be sure and follow me on Facebook!

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A few more photos for you…I know I said in my last post that I was going to try to do my own photography, and I still have that as a long-term plan. But this picture was too hard to get with the low lighting and all– I needed Greg’s expertise. I knew what I wanted. I could see it in my mind. I already had the glass, star-shaped candy dish and made a quick Hobby Lobby run to get the floating heart candle. We had fun working together on our deck and took about 50 pictures. The stars shone above us,  fireworks exploded around us, and we even heard some cows mooing in the distance. 

Exposure and Adaptation

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Filed under Change, Self-Acceptance

Enjoying the patio first thing in the morning

Glasses:  I have always thought I wanted glasses—it would be another fun fashion accessory. My friend, Amy, has always had the cutest glasses and looked so stylish. One of my previous secretaries bought frames on sale so that she was able to have several pairs of glasses to match various outfits (my fave–red frames with red shoes!) So when I went to my eye appointment this year and he said I actually needed glasses, I had a moment of euphoria. Yeah! What trendy frames would I select?

Yet the whole process has been weeks of frustration for me. Now that I needed glasses, I didn’t want them. I ended up not getting super trendy frames because at nearly $500, I needed a pair that would go with everything.  My vanity kicked in big time and I thought they made me look old. I also worried that my mostly silver jewelry didn’t go with the frames, and I couldn’t afford to go out and buy all new jewelry (although that would have been fun.)

Most of all, I have had problems adjusting to the progressive lens which were prescribed. I’ve been back to the eyeglass shop three times, and each time they’ve encouraged me to give it a while longer. I’ve talked obsessively to Greg about it. Where do I look? Why can’t I make this part come in focus? They make my nose hurt. I’m getting a headache. I can see the edges of the frames. The world simply looked weird, and I felt groundless.

I finally realized that I’m fighting too hard and I’m definitely not being self-compassionate. I wish it hadn’t taken me three weeks to figure this out 🙂 I’m expecting this to be easy and feeling like there’s something wrong with me for not adapting more quickly. The eye doctor told me it would take three weeks of wearing them nonstop (DO NOT TAKE THEM OFF, he said). I beat myself up and called myself “noncompliant” because I did not do as he said. I’d make it for several days wearing them all the time, get frustrated and take them off, only to start over the next day. The eyeglass shop people were very kind and told me I was not unusual. They’d heard all these complaints about progressive lenses many a time. Yet I still felt like there was something wrong with me.

I think I’ve forgotten just how complex the brain is, and how this is a really tricky thing I’m asking my brain and eyes to do. From now on, I will gently remind myself that change is hard for most people, not just me.  I’ll also remember that people adapt at different rates, and I will give myself the time I need.

Oh, and I don’t think I’ve every posted a picture of myself sans make-up. Talk about exposure! I’m working on the vanity thing.

Weather: You can’t be a Missourian and not talk about the weather. This is a screen shot of the temps we’ve had lately, and there’s no rain or relief in site. It’s strange, once it’s over 100 degrees,  you don’t really notice the difference. I’ve desperately been trying to keep my flowers alive. A few have bit the dust. I should’ve taken a picture of the dead ones to remind me that everything changes; everything dies; it’s just a matter of time. I’ve been giving the birds fresh water several times a day. We’ve created quite the oasis for our feathered friends. I’ve mostly been doing my bird watching through a window these days. I rearranged some furniture downstairs just so I’d have a special place to enjoy their antics. Sometimes there are four birds splashing in the birdbath at once. It makes me smile!

Hydrangeas from our yard and
my grandmother’s antique mirror

Photography: Now that I have glasses where I can see close up and far away, I’m going to try to learn photography. I actually had some decent photography and darkroom skills as a journalism major in college, but I have forgotten everything I used to know. Up until now, I’ve just bossed Greg around telling him what pictures I need for the blog—actually, the system has worked out pretty well! But I think it will be good for my brain to focus on learning something new. This picture took me about an hour, with Greg’s help.

The heart and mind are the true lens of the camera.

         –Yousuf Karsh

A Horse with No Name

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Filed under Health, Resources, Self-Acceptance

I traipsed through the long hallway with my large white envelope under my arm. I’m  seeing yet another doctor, carrying these films that are supposed to reveal what is going on inside of me. I open the door and see several people sitting there, with their own white envelopes. They look up briefly with a silent, knowing glance. I check in with the receptionist, my hand trembling a bit as I turn over my MRI. I notice for the first time that the envelope is marked “MISCELLANEOUS.”

But this story isn’t about me. Well, not only about me.

It’s been an exciting week for The Self-Compassion Project. Ashley Hasty’s Paint the Town Purple day was a huge success. Her Facebook Status 11 hours ago read: “Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for your support in celebrating and honoring those with Crohn’s Disease. We had 16 photos posted from at least 6 different states! We gained about 20 new “likes” on this Facebook page and there are 150 people talking about this project on Facebook! We are definitely taking steps toward raising awareness about Crohn’s, building a supportive community, and ultimately finding a cure!”

Toni Bernhard’s interview on her book How to Be Sick and coping with chronic illness reached the most people ever on this blog. One of her supporters said it so well: “A gentle and penetrating interview in which Toni reveals again her authenticity as a human applying wisdom to a senseless sickness. She demonstrates over and over again, the profound message of acceptance by exploring its mysteries, its boundaries, its illusions and strength. As Jack Kornfield says of mindfulness, ‘simple but not easy’. We are fortunate to have Toni.”

Yesterday I wrote about cancer, and about how everyone has a unique journey in their recovery process.

Today, I’m thinking about names, and how important they are. I don’t know about you, but when someone calls me, “Barb,” I feel seen, really known. It’s a little thing, but it makes a difference.  (Much better than “Hey you!”). In the same way, having a name for a condition, a diagnosis, can make people feel better. On the one hand, being told you have a horrible disease is frightening. But for the first time, you don’t feel like you’re crazy. There’s a legitimacy to having a name for your symptoms. Having a name for the problem also holds the promise of treatment, maybe even a cure. Once you have a diagnosis, you’re immediately part of a group of people in the same boat. You can rally together and be a team. And to top it all off, you get a colored ribbon!

So I’m thinking about all the people who aren’t sure what’s wrong with them. They’ve been to specialists, had all the tests, and carried their MRIs down many a hallway.  I  wish there was a ribbon for people like us. I even went to a paint store to look at paint chips, in hopes of finding the perfect color name for our ribbon. The best one I found was “Mysterious Mauve.” It’s a subtle mix between gray and purple. Beautiful.

Greg was reading over my shoulder and said this made him think of the song by America, “A Horse with No Name.” Yep. That’s going to be the name of this post.

Today, know that I believe you. I know you’re not crazy. Doctors do the best they can, but they’re human, too. They make mistakes. They don’t have all the answers. They don’t always have a name for what we have, but that doesn’t make it not real. As Toni said in her interview, “The single most important thing we can do is to be kind to ourselves.”

Have a restful weekend!

A Passion for Purple

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Filed under Health, Self-Acceptance, Taking Risks

I don’t know if Ashley Hasty’s favorite color has always been purple, but she sure shows a passion for it now.

Last year Ashley wore the same purple dress each day of the month of April to raise money and awareness for Crohn’s Disease. Purple is the official ribbon color for this incurable condition in which a person’s immune system attacks the colon. Ashley was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease in 2010. This came after years of her suffering abdominal pain, not really knowing what was wrong. She went through numerous tests, procedures, and hospitalizations before finally having a colon resection.  Ashley knew first hand that Crohn’s Disease is not a glamorous problem. No one likes talking about their bowels! She knew how alone she had felt, and she wanted to do something to help others.  She was in a Ph.D. program in Textile and Apparel Management at the time, and she decided to bring her fashion expertise and social media savvy together to form “The Purple Dress Project.”

Ashley accessorized her purple dress differently each day, took pictures, and wrote about the experience on her blog. She generated quite the media storm in Mid-Missouri and was featured in most print publications, in addition to making several TV appearances. She’s since moved to Indiana (where she teaches textiles at IU), but is continuing the project there. This year, she switched things up a bit and decided to get other people wearing purple dresses–smart girl! She proclaimed Tuesday, April 24, 2012 as Paint the Town Purple Day. Supporters are to wear a purple dress and post it to her Facebook wall.

Ashley’s mother is my neighbor, and she was also my son’s fifth grade teacher. They’re a great family and I was eager to help out, especially since it involved shopping for a purple dress! For any fashionistas out there, the dress I’m wearing in my photos (below) is an Evan-Picone, bought on a clearance rack for $30. I was extra excited when I found a purple dog dress at Target, which I just had to buy for Lily, my Bichon who happened to get a bad haircut the day before. 

You can see more photos of Lily and me on my Facebook page. I’ve also made a donation to The Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America. I know we all get asked to donate to many worthwhile causes. Ashley makes it clear that no amount is too small. To donate to The Purple Dress Project/CCFA, click here. And if you can’t donate, that’s fine, too. Just reading this and being more aware of this disease will make Ashley’s day.

For more information on these disorders, check out this site: Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America (CCFA).

To follow Ashley’s journey, and to see fun pictures of people (and dogs!) wearing purple, click here.

Take What You Need

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Filed under Meditation/Mindfulness, Self-Acceptance

I’ve been feeling both antsy and lethargic since Sharon Salzberg’s “official” meditation challenge was over in February. I almost hate to admit it, but I went a few days without meditating. I thought about it. But I didn’t do it.

I noticed a few things. First of all, I didn’t feel as good, just in general. I was more tired than usual, and I spent a lot of time lying on the couch. Now this could be for any number of reasons (a lot of people have been getting sick around here). It did cross my mind, though, that I was going through meditation withdrawal—or maybe even Sharon withdrawal 🙂 The second thing I noticed was a bit of a shocker: I wasn’t beating up on myself.  In the past I would’ve condemned myself for being a “fraud”—here I spent a month blogging about meditation and then I quit. Yet, I remembered Sharon’s words from Week One. The “magic” in meditation is learning that we can begin again. Maybe we made a poor choice about something; we can begin again. Maybe we said some unkind words to someone; we can apologize and begin again. Maybe we ate too many Oreos; we don’t have to wait for tomorrow (or Monday morning) to start eating healthier. We can begin again, right now.

Of course, I didn’t have these revelations with out a tiny bit of struggle.

Yesterday I was pacing around the living room, feeling wound up and agitated, and I told Greg, “I just don’t know what I need.” Fortunately, he sometimes knows what I need better than I know myself. He said, “Why don’t you go and meditate?” Hmm. That sounded okay. So I went into the room that I have dedicated to this practice. I have a picture on a little table that says, “Take what you need.” I lit a candle, gazed at the picture, and enjoyed some soothing music for a while. Then I listened to Sharon Salzburg’s breathing meditation, and followed with some more meditating on my own.

I love the saying, “Take What You Need.”* But what if you don’t know what you need? What then? What if I hadn’t had Greg to nudge me in the right direction? I felt so relaxed and peaceful after meditating. Why had it taken me days to figure out that’s what I needed?

Of course, I always like things to be wrapped up in a neat little package. I asked Greg to help me brainstorm “tips” for how to figure out what you need. It seems like all good blog posts need tips. (My niece would add “LOL” at this point.) Without pausing, Greg replied, “When you don’t know what you need, just let yourself be.” Well, that sounds poetic, but it wasn’t very satisfying to me. I still had the urge to “operationalize” it more. Here’s what I came up with:

  • Accept the fact that you don’t know what you need.
  • Give yourself compassion for not knowing what you need. Say things to yourself such as, “It’s hard when you don’t know what you need.”
  • Try some things on for size: Do you need to call a friend? Do you need to take a warm bath? Perhaps make a cup of tea? Do something you’ve been putting off?
  • Realize that you may need more than one thing. Just try one and see how it goes. You can always change. You can always begin again.

I wonder whether, over time, meditation will help me be more in tune with what I need at each moment. I’m betting the answer is yes. But I’ll let you know.

(If you enjoyed this post, click on over to my Facebook page and hit like. I post shorter tidbits about self-compassion, share good links, and let you know when I’ve written something new. Thanks for your support!)

*See Kelly Rae Roberts blog for some of her awe-inspiring artwork and the idea behind this picture.

This, too.

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From Pinterest

I’d about worked myself into a full-blown worry attack. There are a lot of things up in the air right now in which timing is key and I don’t have control of many of the variables. I felt crabby, and I craved a big bowl of New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream. My inner rebel kicked in and my self-talk sounded something like this: “I should meditate, but I don’t want to meditate. I’m sad the 28-day Meditation Challenge with Sharon Salzberg is over, and I probably won’t be able to keep the practice going on my own. Who am I kidding? I’m not the meditating type!”

Before I could go much further (as if that wasn’t far enough), the words popped into my mind, “This, too.”* Now where did that come from? The words came to me in a quiet, kind tone of voice, unlike the critical tone I’m so accustomed to hearing in my head. I can’t believe it. Only a month of meditating and I can’t even indulge in a good worry episode? This was new for me. I felt a gentleness with myself that hadn’t been there before. My worries were still there, but I felt some space…a little more room to maneuver. The quiet voice continued:

Things end. This, too.

Things aren’t in my control. This, too.

I don’t want to do things, even when they’re good for me. This, too.

I worry. This, too.

I laid down on the couch and took some deliberate deep breaths. I said some lovingkindness phrases for myself and others. And then I took a nap.

This, too.

*I’m sure I’ve heard the phrase “This, too” somewhere. I’m getting paranoid that with all the reading I’m doing, that others’ words are seeping into my consciousness and I don’t know to whom to attribute them. Whoever came up with this phrase, thank you. It’s a really good phrase.

(If you enjoyed this post, click on over to my Facebook page and hit like. I post shorter tidbits about self-compassion, share good links, and let you know when I’ve written something new. Thanks for your support!)

Yo Soy (I Am)

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Filed under Poems, Self-Acceptance

Jody

How many of us have parts of ourselves that we don’t like? Maybe a part of our appearance (My thighs are too fat)? A part of our heritage (I hope I don’t turn out like crazy Aunt Jane)? Or a part of our personality (I’m too quiet)? Disowning any part of ourselves can be damaging. I think the subtitle of The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene´ Brown says it all: “Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are.”

My niece, Jody, recently told me about an assignment she had for a class in college. They were instructed to write an “I Am” poem. Apparently, that was about the only guideline they were given. It was very unstructured and loose. She gave me permission to share her poem. I love it, not only because she’s my niece, but also because it’s such a great example of looking at all aspects of ourselves with a nonjudgmental, accepting eye. This is just how it is. This is who I am.

I’m planning on writing my own “I am” poem. If you write one, feel free to share it. Oh, and I’m sure my niece would appreciate any comments!

Yo Soy

I am curly hair that people use to categorize me.

I am the city girl stuck in a population of one-thousand.

I am the salsa heels that dance all night as if I’m still in Mexico.

I am the race with no ethnicity.

I am off-brand clothing among Sevens, Coach, and Marc Jacobs.

I am the only Jew in a rural town.

I am high-top sneakers from a resale shop.

I am the life-changing trip to Israel at age 16.

I am the passion to travel and master new languages.

I am the positive voice in a room full of negativity.

I am an ally for all people because I feel we are all connected.

I am the girl that values herself more than how boys see her.

I am the dreams that can and will be reached through hard work and dedication.