Month One Update on My Word-of-the-Year

Lily and Larry, basking in the sunlight

Lily and Larry, basking in the sunlight

It’s late January, the temperature is in the low 70s, and the windows are wide open with the curtains blowing. I just noticed Lily and Larry basking in the sun. It made me think of my word-of-the-year, “open”.

So far, me and “open” just aren’t clicking.

I wrote in my first Word-of-the-year post how I was going to be more open at work and try to get to know more of my coworkers. Not a day after I wrote that, we got an e-mail saying that to “conserve agency resources” we were to minimize chatting about things unrelated to work. Now I’m pretty sure this e-mail was not directed at me; however, it raised my anxiety. I can’t believe I’m 50 years old, and I still have this irrational fear of getting into trouble. When I told Greg about it that evening, he challenged me to talk so much that I do get into trouble! So far, that hasn’t happened.

I also wrote that I wanted to be more open to taking risks. I haven’t done too well with this either. Last week, I was asked to give a presentation.  I’ve had a long-standing fear of public speaking, which I have worked hard to overcome. I typically perform quite well in the actual situation, but make myself seriously miserable ahead of time. The last presentation I gave was 2 years ago and I swore I would never do it again. So when this invitation came up, I had an initial sick-to-my stomach reaction. I was proud of myself for being assertive and saying I needed to think about it (I usually just smile and say yes). I was even honest with the person asking me and told her about my anxiety. That was a different response for me. I’m sure I agonized way too much about it: Should I join Toastmasters again? Should I consult with someone who coaches people on their speaking skills?  Was I setting a bad example for people who read my books on shyness and social anxiety if I don’t keep doing things out of my comfort zone?  It was on a topic I knew well, but I realized I would still make myself a neurotic mess over it–-not to mention making my poor husband miserable, as well. Greg asked what it would take for me to want to do the presentation, and I couldn’t think of anything. I ended up saying no. This decision was fairly predictably  followed by days of cycling between feeling awful about myself and struggling to find compassion for myself. And a lot of tears.

Then I got mad. For several days, I wanted to change my word from “open” to “average”. I decided there is too much pressure on people these days to be above average. I get tired of reading that you should dream big (see my Tiny Dreams post). I get tired of reading that anything is possible if you simply put your mind to it. Sometimes I don’t want to have a good attitude. Sometimes I don’t want to think positively. And I’ve had so many fears in my life, I get tired of facing them all. I wonder if I’m up to it anymore.

Today I’m of the mindset that I’ll keep the word “open” as my word-of-the year, but I’m going to give myself some slack. I’m telling myself, “I’m being open to not feeling open.” Doesn’t that count?

Like the warm weather, this too shall pass.

 

A Shy Person’s Secret Wish

Have you seen this e-card zooming around the Internet lately? While I wouldn’t say it describes me perfectly, there’s something about it that rings true. I relate to the tension of being naturally introverted, yet caring deeply about things and wanting to share my voice with the world. I’ve also had this secret, somewhat silly wish to be a model. I’ve always known I’m photogenic, and I enjoy having my picture taken (if I’m in the right mood).  What a contradiction–a shy person who wants to be a model. No wonder I don’t understand myself sometimes!

When I saw there was a model search contest sponsored by More magazine, I decided to enter. I had a photo (the one Greg took of me for this blog). But in addition to the photo, you had to write an essay on “what makes you feel beautiful, inside and out.” This was a major sticking point for me. The truth is, I don’t always feel beautiful. Sometimes I feel anything but beautiful. So should I even enter this contest? I wrestled for days with my essay, and almost called it quits. In the end, I like what I wrote. You can read it here.

The winner gets a trip for two to New York, a professional photo shoot, and will be featured in the print edition of More magazine. I don’t expect to win, but I’m glad I entered. I’m also glad I decided to tell you about it 🙂 I almost didn’t.